


the surprising sweetness of her I love you's

by BittersweetDreamer



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 17:26:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5710867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BittersweetDreamer/pseuds/BittersweetDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had expected rage, but all he had done was left her broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the surprising sweetness of her I love you's

He was sitting in the desk chair he had bought himself for graduate school. Out of all the things he built, this was the one that lasted him the longest. There were small tears from the five years of aging it had endured and a small ink stain Arya left when trying to change the cartridge in the printer. He mussed her hair and she called him stupid. He was sitting in the desk chair, going over the decision he made that morning when he heard the front door unlock. 

When he hears the bedroom door creak open. 

"You were my best friend" Arya says as an introduction. Stepping through the door, entering his bedroom. 

"I know" Jon replies. She's wearing a messy bun, tossing her keys from hand to hand, eyes red and raw. He knows she spent the ten minute drive over here roughly rubbing away the unshed tears. 

"I thought that was supposed to mean something" she says, trying so hard to not give away any of the emotions tearing at her. She is a strong girl. But he's known her for far to many years, he hears the quiver in her voice, sees the defeat in her shuffling feet. She's wearing the same furrowed brow she did at fifteen, when she missed the final penalty kick and blamed herself for losing the team a championship. It wasn't her fault for that then. And this. Whatever this was. Wasn't her fault now. 

"It did" he says. The sun is invading their privacy, lighting up the navy bedspread she helped pick out. They used to spend hours laying on it. Talking. About nothing. About everything. 

"Best friends don't hurt each other Jon". She whispers. "People who love one another, they don't hurt each other either". He looks back at the bed, remembering the wide-eyed look she gave him when he kissed her for the first time. That was eleven months before today and eleven years after they had first met. She had rolled on top, placed her small palm on the side of his face, and with a teasing smile said 'took you long enough'. 

"I know" He admits defeated, capturing her steely eyes before dropping his. She's biting her lips. When they exchanged kisses she'd capture his bottom lip with her teeth. But that was done tenderly. She's biting so hard she must be close to drawing blood. 

"I loved you". She says silently as a sob escapes and tears are creeping out of her eyes. He expected rage and screaming. Vicious words and angry punches. But she is so quiet. So broken. And just as small as she was when he first met her at thirteen. "I still do". She finishes, sitting at the edge of his bed. When he reaches for her she flinches. She's never done that. She always embraced every touch given by him. Gladly accepted whatever he offered. But he was offering too much today when usually he never offered enough. 

"I love you too" he says, sitting beside her on the bed, forcing himself to not comfort her. To not touch her. 

"Not in the same way". She laughs, a bitter laugh. "Not enough". She wipes away the tears harshly. Forcing herself to look anywhere besides him. 

She doesn't jerk this time when he turns her chin to him. Not in the way she had before, but his touch different now. Tainted. 

"I love you more than you know" he says, thumb stroking beneath her chin. He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut, and she knows whatever he's about to say next is going to be the hardest thing she will ever hear. "But I loved her first". 

Arya shakes her head, and cradles herself. She had loved Jon before she had even known what that meant. He was four years older and she worshipped him as a companion. Idolized him as a girl would. It wasn't until he met someone that she realized she had loved him as more than a friend. For three years she had to watch him love someone else. Now, now he was asking for her to do it again. "That's a lie. You may have kissed her first. And fucked her first but you didn't love her first". Jon's looking at her with that solemn face of his. The one he wore when he told her about his parents. She had been just a girl then, and him barely a man. 

Their relationship changed over the decade. A platonic one that began one Sunday in the park when she was juggling a soccer ball and he was reading East of Eden. She lost control and kicked him in the head. After making her mother drive them to the hospital for him to get an MRI they remained close. Inseparable when she went to the same college he had, the one he was also attending for graduate school. "I was first. I always was. You just think you love her more." she finishes. 

Jon's mind is racing with images. Of Arya, with the dirty scrunched face she wore when he first saw her. The feel of Ygritte’s flaming red hair spread across his chest when they first had sex. Holding Arya's hand after they visited his mothers gravestone for the first time. The time Arya sang “Nothing Compares 2 u" completely off-key after Ygritte broke up with him. The apologetic voicemail Ygritte left him the night before. And finally, the taste of Arya's kiss and the saltiness of her skin after making love. 

"Arya-" Jon says grabbing for her shirt but she's already out of reach, standing. 

"I really hope she makes you happy" Arya says apathetically as Jon stands in front of her. She briefly kisses Jon's cheek and continues. "But I think it's best if we don't talk anymore". Arya's facade of strength breaks as Jon finally begins to cry, feeling the full weight of losing the girl who has been the only constant thing in his life for over ten years. 

"Please don't" Jon pleads. But Arya's at the door.  Before she exits as swiftly as she entered she turns to look at him one last time, wiping away the last few tears she's allowed. 

"I would have made you happy. I just, I just wanted you to know that". 

Jon sits on his bed for hours, remembering the quiet sound of Arya's footsteps to the left side of the bed, her side, on the nights where she opted to stay with him. The sounds of her giggles when he would impersonate Dr. Pycelle, an ancient man who had been teaching introductory biology at the college for half a century. The small patch of freckles scattered on her nose that always expanded in the summer time and the surprising sweetness of her I love you's. 

He loved her and he didn't deserve her. When he sees Ygritte walk through the door later that night, bathed in the pale moon, he hates himself because he knows Arya was right. He loved her. He just simply loved Ygritte more. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story. I love this ship, they are definitely one of my favorites, and I wish there were more fics out there for them!


End file.
